Its so funny. I haven't written in a few days because of some of the negative feedback I have gotten about my blog. I have been trying to get my thoughts together for this post. Wondering how I am going to word this without entirely ruining some of my relationships. Then I thought, are these relationships I should even care that much about?
Let me first start by saying, before i made my blog public I was full of anxiety over it. I didn't want people to feel bad for me, I didn't want people to think I was looking for sympathy. I struggled with publicly announcing that I have had a stroke. People that I have known practically my whole life didn't even know I had one. Now I let the whole world know. This was VERY hard for me to do. I EVEN POSTED THIS IN THE FIRST POST THAT I WROTE. I did it to raise awareness. That is the only reason why I did it. I sent my blog to a few friends to see what they thought about it. They all loved it and encouraged me to make it public. I even had one friend tell me that she chose an IUD instead of birth control because she is a smoker. (<3 you know who you are <3) This confirmed to me that I was doing something good. I go on rants about what I am going through in hopes that other women will start taking care of themselves before its too late. Well fuck me in the ass, I guess some people think it was a bad decision. I guess this is one of those situations that you're damned if you do and damned if you dont.
I am tired of all of the negative people in my life. Its time to do some fall cleaning. I do need support. Doesn't everyone? People have no problem coming to me and singing their songs of woe. Why is it so wrong of me to try to help other women? I think these people really need to re-examine their lives. I have never asked for help with my daughter. I have never asked for help with my medical bills. I have only asked for people to be supportive in my life. If you disagree with my writing this blog, then tell me to my face please, and please tell me why. I dont have a problem with sharing my story. I am not ashamed. I dont have to hide it. If you feel like you need to hide things, then so be it. I am proud of the fact that I am here, stronger and happier than ever. I may have huge medical bills looming over my head, but I am happy. I may have my really bad days, but I am happy. Dont piss in my Cheerios. I am finally at a point in my life where I can face this thing head on. If you dont want to support me, then GTFO.
When hurricane Irene came and devastated the town I lived in for 8 years, do you know what i did? I went grocery shopping. I bought food and bleach and water and anything else i could think of that people would need and I donated it. Can you say you would do the same thing? Even though I have those bills, I know that they will be there forever. They have been and will always be there. These people lost everything. People may say that i am stupid for spending my money on other people like that if I cant take care of my bills but you know what, fuck it. I am taking care of the bills that I can, little by little. I dont ask for help, i give help. If you want to think of me as a bad person for it then thats on you.
I have been cleaning out the negative people in my life and now more are coming out of the wood work. I am glad I know so when I face these people, I and not going in blind. I can truly say "fuck off" if you dont like it. If you love me, then love me, dont fucking judge me for this. I am going to continue to write. I am going to continue to try to help raise awareness. I do not have an ulterior motive in doing this.
I guess when they say misery loves company they are right. Don't bring me down with you. I have been through enough. I deserve to be happy and this blog makes me happy. It gives me hope that I can help other people. Obviously some people dont know me too well.
Thank you to all of my supporters. I really appreciate it. <3 <3 <3 <3
Monday, October 24, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
Rain rain go away
When it rains my whole body hurts. The Drs think its the cholesterol meds I have to take. It sucks. My cholesterol has never even been high, they just put me on it for preventative measures. Hopefully I can get some of these meds knocked down with time. My plavix costs about 50 dollars a pill without insurance. Insane. This is a med that keeps you alive. I guess thats why they feel it should cost so much. What a joke.
Another side effect I have is dizziness. I think its from the stroke. If I have the TV on and someone tries to talk to me, its too much, my brain hurts and I get dizzy. If I go to the mall, forget about it. I feel like I am going to pass out, then if I have to go up the escalator I hold on for dear life. If i am driving an there is a lot of traffic, I get dizzy. I have to stay in the slow lane on the highway lol The joys of having a stroke!
Back to my story, I go into therapy then had to leave. What a tease. I guess I can eventually get back into it but for now I can't afford it. I have a daughter to take care of. So with all of this going on I ended up moving out of my friends house and moved in with my boyfriend. I am tired of moving. I need to stay in one place lol
It was definitely another adjustment for me and Brianna. It was also an adjustment for my boyfriend. He now has a child in his house part time. Thank god Brianna and TJ love each other to death.
Now we are up to last year. I started having chest pains again a day after my birthday. I went back to the hospital because thats what they told me I should do every single time I have pain. I sometimes feel like "what if its nothing and I am making a big deal out of it?" I guess its better safe than sorry. I had another abnormal EKG and stress test. They did another cardic cath. Let me tell you, they do not get any more fun. This time though I actually asked them if i could see my stent. I must have been really high on whatever they gave me if I asked them that. lol They didn't find anything with the cath so the Dr said it is stress on my heart. He put me on yet another med. A blood pressure med. I have never had high blood pressure either. Its actually always been on the lower side but my heart has been pretty stable since then. I hope I just didnt jinx myself by saying that.
My ex worked and couldnt get my daughter on and off the bus. Every morning I would wake up at 5:45 am and drive 20 mins to get my daughter up ready and on the bus for school. I would drive back home, do what I had to do, then drive back again to get her off the bus. It doesnt seem like much but doing this every day takes a toll. Another awesome effect from the stroke is that when I get over tired, I black out and pass out. I can be laying in bed and the next second I will be out for the night. The next morning I will wake up and not remember what happened before I fell asleep. Wonderful. So because I was over tired from getting up early and spending all day doing what I had to do, this started happening to me. I ended up taking naps during the day so i could stay up past 9pm. I told my ex that it just wasn't going to work that way anymore and I wanted Brianna to stay by me for 3 days a week. I was able to get her and spend good time with her at night and wake up a little later in the morning. This meant though that Brianna had to wake up a little earlier to get to school on time. She hated waking up lol but she did love being here.
She is a doll. She loves me and her dad so much. She is literally the reason I am here.
If the day didn't happen exactly the way it did, who knows what would have happened to me. What if I was just home? What if it happened while I was sleeping? What if it happened the next day when Brianna didn't have dance? I would have probably not gone to the hospital. I am torn on how I feel about this. Of course I wish it never happened but thank god it happened at the exact time it did.
Another side effect I have is dizziness. I think its from the stroke. If I have the TV on and someone tries to talk to me, its too much, my brain hurts and I get dizzy. If I go to the mall, forget about it. I feel like I am going to pass out, then if I have to go up the escalator I hold on for dear life. If i am driving an there is a lot of traffic, I get dizzy. I have to stay in the slow lane on the highway lol The joys of having a stroke!
Back to my story, I go into therapy then had to leave. What a tease. I guess I can eventually get back into it but for now I can't afford it. I have a daughter to take care of. So with all of this going on I ended up moving out of my friends house and moved in with my boyfriend. I am tired of moving. I need to stay in one place lol
It was definitely another adjustment for me and Brianna. It was also an adjustment for my boyfriend. He now has a child in his house part time. Thank god Brianna and TJ love each other to death.
Now we are up to last year. I started having chest pains again a day after my birthday. I went back to the hospital because thats what they told me I should do every single time I have pain. I sometimes feel like "what if its nothing and I am making a big deal out of it?" I guess its better safe than sorry. I had another abnormal EKG and stress test. They did another cardic cath. Let me tell you, they do not get any more fun. This time though I actually asked them if i could see my stent. I must have been really high on whatever they gave me if I asked them that. lol They didn't find anything with the cath so the Dr said it is stress on my heart. He put me on yet another med. A blood pressure med. I have never had high blood pressure either. Its actually always been on the lower side but my heart has been pretty stable since then. I hope I just didnt jinx myself by saying that.
My ex worked and couldnt get my daughter on and off the bus. Every morning I would wake up at 5:45 am and drive 20 mins to get my daughter up ready and on the bus for school. I would drive back home, do what I had to do, then drive back again to get her off the bus. It doesnt seem like much but doing this every day takes a toll. Another awesome effect from the stroke is that when I get over tired, I black out and pass out. I can be laying in bed and the next second I will be out for the night. The next morning I will wake up and not remember what happened before I fell asleep. Wonderful. So because I was over tired from getting up early and spending all day doing what I had to do, this started happening to me. I ended up taking naps during the day so i could stay up past 9pm. I told my ex that it just wasn't going to work that way anymore and I wanted Brianna to stay by me for 3 days a week. I was able to get her and spend good time with her at night and wake up a little later in the morning. This meant though that Brianna had to wake up a little earlier to get to school on time. She hated waking up lol but she did love being here.
She is a doll. She loves me and her dad so much. She is literally the reason I am here.
If the day didn't happen exactly the way it did, who knows what would have happened to me. What if I was just home? What if it happened while I was sleeping? What if it happened the next day when Brianna didn't have dance? I would have probably not gone to the hospital. I am torn on how I feel about this. Of course I wish it never happened but thank god it happened at the exact time it did.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Happy Happy Happy
Despite all that I have been through I am pretty friggin happy with life right now. I am thankful for what I have everyday. I hate to sit and dwell on all of this. I would rather get past it and move on. I tried for a long time to act like I never had these things happen to me. I want to be normal, but what the hell is normal anyway? No one is normal lol. I guess this blog is a way of me facing it head on and getting over it.
I love to help people. I would do anything I can for the people I love. I think I am way too nice to some people who really dont deserve it at all. I can't be mean to anyone anymore since the stroke, believe me I have tried. lol That is the next thing i need to tackle but for now, I hope by writing this blog I can help more people.I hope it puts a new perspective on things for people. I hope it raises awareness about smoking and birth control.
I don't complain about my problems to anyone. I find it so funny when I hear people cry about the smallest things and I am like "hello, I think you guys are forgetting something." lol Well i guess i can't blame them. To them its a huge issue but to me its something I would just let roll right off my back. I wonder if thats because of the stroke? lol I love everyone in my life and if I could take away all of their pain and sorrow I would. Brianna and I were talking about what super power we would want if we ever could have one. I told her I wanted to heal people. She said "Thats a good super power, I just want to be able to fly." lol She is soooo sweet. <3 I am such a lucky momma.
I have been having issues with my stomach lately. My whole right side feels like I am being stabbed. I went to the Dr and he sent me to the ER because he thought it was kidney stones (which I have also had before) or my appendix. Well listen to this, lol, the Dr in the ER sent me home saying that it was a ruptured cyst in my ovary. I have also had these before but the pain has never been like this. I have never felt the pain all the way by my belly button. So I got the report and the CD from the hospital to bring to my OB/GYN. She looked at the report and said "Yeah, I doubt it very highly that it was a cyst, go back to your primary." Around in circles i go.
I look at this report and see that I have a kidney stone in my left kidney, I have a cyst in my right ovary, I have 2 bulging disks in my back and I have something in my right lung. Awesome. So glad they decided a ruptured cyst was my biggest problem. lol
I go back to my Primary and he is sending me to a whol bunch of other Drs. Bills bills bills. Woot woot!
I guess its a waiting game now. Hopefully it doesn't ruin my birthday! lol
So where was I?
I think I left off at going into therapy. So I get into therapy and guess what happens? I got "laid off" while on medical leave. Thanks neuro for sending me a little too late. I spoke with the Dr who did my evaluation for therapy and she told me that the Dr was crazy for not sending me right away so my thoughts were confirmed.
I obviously couldn't continue therapy because it was 50 dollars a day 3 days a week. 150 dollars a week!!! How insane is that?? I guess I could probably get better if I could afford my therapy. What a shame that is, isnt it? I am not even going to tell you guys how much I pay for Cobra, or my meds. Its ridiculous.
It's funny, my boyfriend always tells me, if you need help just ask. I am here to help you. I never ask. I guess it's just the way I am. I also don't want to have to pay him back. lol I am sure he wouldn't make me if I couldn't but that is just not something I want to worry about.
ETA: Even though I love everyone, I dont have much sympathy for people who don't do anything to help themselves. I don't have much sympathy for people who complain and complain but do absolutely nothing about it. I don't have it in me anymore to feel bad for those types of people. I used to be one of those people. The stroke really has changed my way of thinking.
I love to help people. I would do anything I can for the people I love. I think I am way too nice to some people who really dont deserve it at all. I can't be mean to anyone anymore since the stroke, believe me I have tried. lol That is the next thing i need to tackle but for now, I hope by writing this blog I can help more people.I hope it puts a new perspective on things for people. I hope it raises awareness about smoking and birth control.
I don't complain about my problems to anyone. I find it so funny when I hear people cry about the smallest things and I am like "hello, I think you guys are forgetting something." lol Well i guess i can't blame them. To them its a huge issue but to me its something I would just let roll right off my back. I wonder if thats because of the stroke? lol I love everyone in my life and if I could take away all of their pain and sorrow I would. Brianna and I were talking about what super power we would want if we ever could have one. I told her I wanted to heal people. She said "Thats a good super power, I just want to be able to fly." lol She is soooo sweet. <3 I am such a lucky momma.
I have been having issues with my stomach lately. My whole right side feels like I am being stabbed. I went to the Dr and he sent me to the ER because he thought it was kidney stones (which I have also had before) or my appendix. Well listen to this, lol, the Dr in the ER sent me home saying that it was a ruptured cyst in my ovary. I have also had these before but the pain has never been like this. I have never felt the pain all the way by my belly button. So I got the report and the CD from the hospital to bring to my OB/GYN. She looked at the report and said "Yeah, I doubt it very highly that it was a cyst, go back to your primary." Around in circles i go.
I look at this report and see that I have a kidney stone in my left kidney, I have a cyst in my right ovary, I have 2 bulging disks in my back and I have something in my right lung. Awesome. So glad they decided a ruptured cyst was my biggest problem. lol
I go back to my Primary and he is sending me to a whol bunch of other Drs. Bills bills bills. Woot woot!
I guess its a waiting game now. Hopefully it doesn't ruin my birthday! lol
So where was I?
I think I left off at going into therapy. So I get into therapy and guess what happens? I got "laid off" while on medical leave. Thanks neuro for sending me a little too late. I spoke with the Dr who did my evaluation for therapy and she told me that the Dr was crazy for not sending me right away so my thoughts were confirmed.
I obviously couldn't continue therapy because it was 50 dollars a day 3 days a week. 150 dollars a week!!! How insane is that?? I guess I could probably get better if I could afford my therapy. What a shame that is, isnt it? I am not even going to tell you guys how much I pay for Cobra, or my meds. Its ridiculous.
It's funny, my boyfriend always tells me, if you need help just ask. I am here to help you. I never ask. I guess it's just the way I am. I also don't want to have to pay him back. lol I am sure he wouldn't make me if I couldn't but that is just not something I want to worry about.
ETA: Even though I love everyone, I dont have much sympathy for people who don't do anything to help themselves. I don't have much sympathy for people who complain and complain but do absolutely nothing about it. I don't have it in me anymore to feel bad for those types of people. I used to be one of those people. The stroke really has changed my way of thinking.
Monday, October 10, 2011
One step forward...two steps back
mI am starting late today. I have no motivation. I think its because my birthday is coming up. lol I should be happy about it but this year I am just eh. I used to celebrate for a week straight. Now not so much. I guess its just part of getting older. lol I am going to be 35 this year. 35!!!! damn I am getting old lol. This year is the year that the Drs tell me that I can't have babies anymore. Wonderful. Love it. They are already telling me I shouldn't but now it will be official. boo. I am not planning on another child anytime soon but I will be sad to hear that it is no longer an option for me. If I want to have another baby eventually I might just have to say too bad. I am sure it would be possible if I really wanted it.
I have had problems with my right ovary for years. That is the main reason I was put on birth control to begin with. It helped a lot. Now the problem is getting worse and I obviously can't go back on birth control. My OB/GYN told me that if it gets to the point that we have to go in and take a look she refuses to do it. lol She will send me to a robotic specialist. Sounds so awesome right? lol
So back to my story. I moved into this cute apartment over a restaurant overlooking a beautiful lake. it was so quiet and so peaceful. I was literally out in the country. I thought it would be a good place for me and Brianna. I would be able to relax with Brianna and have a happy life. We were happy. We spent a lot of good mommy and daughter time. We laughed and played. I worked and she went to school. She adjusted really well to the new surroundings. The last place was right down the street from her dad so she didnt have to transfer schools, this time she did but she did really well. Her dad hated the move and so did my boyfriend. I lived way too far from them. I did the best with what I had though.
So things are going good until one day I started feeling this pain in my chest. It didn't go away. I think I ended up in the ER. My EKG showed changes. Over the next few weeks (I think) they ran more tests and a cardiac cath. My left anterior descending (LAD) was over 60% blocked. The Dr said that I was really lucky that I paid attention to my body and found it before I had a heart attack. So they discharged me from the hospital after my cardiac cath and set up another cardiac cath to insert a stent.
When you go in for a cardiac cath you have to be AWAKE. WHILE THEY ARE IN YOUR HEART.
Not fun. I had a panic attack on the table for my first one so at the next one I told them they better drug me up way more than the first time. They did and I was fine on the table. They go into your groin and go up into your heart. Amazing the things they can do.
So when they found out about my heart the Dr suggested I move closer to family and friends, especially for my daughter. I was out of work because of the surgeries so here we go again. another move. Why can't I catch a break. I want a stable life. I want to stay in one place with my daughter and live a long happy life with her. Is that really too much to ask?
At this point I have no idea what to expect from my health and no idea where to go with my daughter. My girlfriend offered to have me stay with her and her family until I was stable again. I thanked her and agreed. I had to ask Briannas father to take her for a while until i got back on my feet. I didn't want to give her up after I fought so hard for the both of us. It broke my heart.
I moved in with my girlfriend and her family and it was more than uncomfortable for all of us. It wasn't going to work for long. I went back to work and tried to save money. I was getting written up again. I went back to my neuro and told hr something had to be done. She took me out of work immediately and put me into therapy. WHY DID IT TAKE OVER A YEAR AND A HALF TO GET ME INTO THERAPY? Especially since every time I went unto her office I told her about the problems I was having. Why did it take me telling her I was going to lose my job?
I have had problems with my right ovary for years. That is the main reason I was put on birth control to begin with. It helped a lot. Now the problem is getting worse and I obviously can't go back on birth control. My OB/GYN told me that if it gets to the point that we have to go in and take a look she refuses to do it. lol She will send me to a robotic specialist. Sounds so awesome right? lol
So back to my story. I moved into this cute apartment over a restaurant overlooking a beautiful lake. it was so quiet and so peaceful. I was literally out in the country. I thought it would be a good place for me and Brianna. I would be able to relax with Brianna and have a happy life. We were happy. We spent a lot of good mommy and daughter time. We laughed and played. I worked and she went to school. She adjusted really well to the new surroundings. The last place was right down the street from her dad so she didnt have to transfer schools, this time she did but she did really well. Her dad hated the move and so did my boyfriend. I lived way too far from them. I did the best with what I had though.
So things are going good until one day I started feeling this pain in my chest. It didn't go away. I think I ended up in the ER. My EKG showed changes. Over the next few weeks (I think) they ran more tests and a cardiac cath. My left anterior descending (LAD) was over 60% blocked. The Dr said that I was really lucky that I paid attention to my body and found it before I had a heart attack. So they discharged me from the hospital after my cardiac cath and set up another cardiac cath to insert a stent.
When you go in for a cardiac cath you have to be AWAKE. WHILE THEY ARE IN YOUR HEART.
Not fun. I had a panic attack on the table for my first one so at the next one I told them they better drug me up way more than the first time. They did and I was fine on the table. They go into your groin and go up into your heart. Amazing the things they can do.
So when they found out about my heart the Dr suggested I move closer to family and friends, especially for my daughter. I was out of work because of the surgeries so here we go again. another move. Why can't I catch a break. I want a stable life. I want to stay in one place with my daughter and live a long happy life with her. Is that really too much to ask?
At this point I have no idea what to expect from my health and no idea where to go with my daughter. My girlfriend offered to have me stay with her and her family until I was stable again. I thanked her and agreed. I had to ask Briannas father to take her for a while until i got back on my feet. I didn't want to give her up after I fought so hard for the both of us. It broke my heart.
I moved in with my girlfriend and her family and it was more than uncomfortable for all of us. It wasn't going to work for long. I went back to work and tried to save money. I was getting written up again. I went back to my neuro and told hr something had to be done. She took me out of work immediately and put me into therapy. WHY DID IT TAKE OVER A YEAR AND A HALF TO GET ME INTO THERAPY? Especially since every time I went unto her office I told her about the problems I was having. Why did it take me telling her I was going to lose my job?
Friday, October 7, 2011
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
DO NOT SMOKE IF YOU ARE ON BIRTH CONTROL. phew...now that I got that out of the way. I would also suggest that if you go on birth control you get tested before hand for any type of underlying blood clotting disorders. Its a quick and easy blood test that could save your life. Do it for you, do it for your daughters, tell your friends. Mine is Antithrombin iii deficiency, what ever that is. They say that my levels may be lower because I smoke, so once I quit I have to go back and get re tested. FUN TIMES! WOOT WOOT!
Let me tell ya, dont ever get sick. Bills bills bills.
Look at this EOB:
For an office visit. Awesome right!!! Thank god my heart Dr doesn't make me pay what the insurance doesn't cover. He is a wonderful Dr. I love all of my Drs. I am iffy about my neuro but I will get into that later in this post. I want to buy my heart Dr and his office a huge fruit basket. lol I don't know how else to thank them. I am thinking cookies and cake for a heart Dr wouldn't be the best idea. lol
So I wanted to clarify that when I said that Jill Bolte Taylor is right about how you feel after a left side stroke, I didnt mean the euphoria and nirvana parts. I DID NOT feel those things. I felt scared, angry, hurt, pissed off, anxious and all of the other horrible feelings that you get when you find out something traumatic.
The lala land part is right. You kind of don't care as much as you used to, you let things go way too easy. TJ is a lucky guy. My brain won't let me be mad at him for too long. lol I need to start writing more stuff down so I can hold it against him at a later date. lol because that's what women do ya know. Hes a good guy though so I wouldn't be able to be mad at much.
So after I got back to reality from my road trip, I had enough of being miserable in the relationship I was in. I wasnt the only one who was either. All 3 of us were. I left. I didn't handle it the correct way and I still feel bad about the way I left but it had to be done.
I was on my own with my daughter and I was feeling confident. I was starting a new life with her and we were going to be happy.
Now, this whole time I haven't been to any type of cognitive therapy, no physical therapy, no occupational therapy. They say that the first year is the most important when you have a stroke. Why wasn't I sent for therapy? I ask that question to this day. (I will get into that later).
So the house that i moved into was a tiny little thing. I did the best with what I had. It was cute but nothing to brag about. Especially after the animal started living in my daughters ceiling and walls. OMG AN ANIMAL IN MY DAUGHTERS CEILING AND WALLS!!! lol There was a hole in the side of the house that I didn't know about. It would come in and out like it own the place and that sucker was huge!! They think it might have been an opossum. I told my landlord about it and he did nothing. So you know what I did. I got the f out of there. My daughter is way to important to me. I didnt need some crazy animal burrowing in her walls and god forbid getting into her room one night when she was sleeping. So here we go again, another move.
I have to back track. When i was living in that little house I went to a bbq and ran into an old friend TJ. We hung out a couple times and had a good time. I was not expecting this at all. It was a few months after I had moved out and I was happy being single. I didn't want to be serious about someone because of Brianna. I didn't even want him to meet her. I eventually let them into each others lives and now they love each other tons. I fought it but he won. lol We have been together ever since.
I guess I am a serial relationshiper.
Let me tell ya, dont ever get sick. Bills bills bills.
Look at this EOB:
So I wanted to clarify that when I said that Jill Bolte Taylor is right about how you feel after a left side stroke, I didnt mean the euphoria and nirvana parts. I DID NOT feel those things. I felt scared, angry, hurt, pissed off, anxious and all of the other horrible feelings that you get when you find out something traumatic.
The lala land part is right. You kind of don't care as much as you used to, you let things go way too easy. TJ is a lucky guy. My brain won't let me be mad at him for too long. lol I need to start writing more stuff down so I can hold it against him at a later date. lol because that's what women do ya know. Hes a good guy though so I wouldn't be able to be mad at much.
So after I got back to reality from my road trip, I had enough of being miserable in the relationship I was in. I wasnt the only one who was either. All 3 of us were. I left. I didn't handle it the correct way and I still feel bad about the way I left but it had to be done.
I was on my own with my daughter and I was feeling confident. I was starting a new life with her and we were going to be happy.
Now, this whole time I haven't been to any type of cognitive therapy, no physical therapy, no occupational therapy. They say that the first year is the most important when you have a stroke. Why wasn't I sent for therapy? I ask that question to this day. (I will get into that later).
So the house that i moved into was a tiny little thing. I did the best with what I had. It was cute but nothing to brag about. Especially after the animal started living in my daughters ceiling and walls. OMG AN ANIMAL IN MY DAUGHTERS CEILING AND WALLS!!! lol There was a hole in the side of the house that I didn't know about. It would come in and out like it own the place and that sucker was huge!! They think it might have been an opossum. I told my landlord about it and he did nothing. So you know what I did. I got the f out of there. My daughter is way to important to me. I didnt need some crazy animal burrowing in her walls and god forbid getting into her room one night when she was sleeping. So here we go again, another move.
I have to back track. When i was living in that little house I went to a bbq and ran into an old friend TJ. We hung out a couple times and had a good time. I was not expecting this at all. It was a few months after I had moved out and I was happy being single. I didn't want to be serious about someone because of Brianna. I didn't even want him to meet her. I eventually let them into each others lives and now they love each other tons. I fought it but he won. lol We have been together ever since.
I guess I am a serial relationshiper.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Just keep swimming.... just keep swimming
ahaha This is how I felt when I heard about the seizures. I was Mr Grumpy Gils. I wish I felt more like Dory. They put me in the hospital AGAIN for a 2 day EEG. The test didn't show seizures. I met with my neuro and told her I really didn't want to have to go on the seizure meds unless they were 100% positive I was having them. She said ok. We still dont know if I was really having them or not.
My arm wasnt working right so I decided one day that Brianna and I were both getting hair cuts. Everyone thought I was crazy. We chopped our hair and donated it. Brianna felt really good about giving her hair to someone who needed it. Our hair was damn hard to brush. lol This was a new life for me and Brianna. This haircut was just the beginning.
After all of this I said, screw you stroke, I am leaving lol. The video of Jill Bolte Taylor explains perfectly how you really live in the right now when you have a left sided stroke. I didnt care about anything but right now. I took off and went on a road trip with my baby girl and my girlfriend. It was probably the best thing I ever did. I needed it so bad. I needed to feel normal again. We drove down to North Carolina and stayed with my girlfriends sister for a couple days. We went down to Florida and stayed with my family for a couple days. We drove back up to North Carolina again for a couple days and then back home. My ex wasnt happy with me because i took my daughter away from him a couple days before Fathers day. Maybe I shouldnt have done it, but I needed to get away with my baby and have a good time. We both needed it. She knew everything that happened. She went through it with me. We needed that time together. We turned up the music and sang and danced in the car the whole trip. We had no worries, we made memories. That is what I needed with her. I did NOT want to come back to reality. I didnt want to come back to arguing and all of my other everyday worries.
But, back to reality I went. When we got home I was able to spend the rest of the summer with Brianna. We went to the pool everyday, we went to the park, she played with her friends. We had the break we needed.
At the end of summer, Brianna went back to school and I went back to work. I was refreshed. I thought "ok everything is back to normal now and I can do this."
I was wrong.
Everything was different. I couldnt remember important things for work. I had to write EVERYTHING down. Nothing would stay in my brain no matter how hard I tried. Its like the saying "in one ear and right out the other", that was me. I was so frustrated with myself. I used to be such a good employee. I worked really hard. I worked crazy hours. I used to get my work done and help other people with theirs. Now I could barely get half of my own work done. What the hell happened? I thought I was fine. I guess because I didn't really have to use my brain all summer I didn't notice the extent of my stroke.
I started getting written up at work. I would apologize profusely. I had no idea why i couldn't get it done. I thought that I was fine and I was disappointed in myself. I told them I would work harder. I told them i was having a hard time because of the stroke. I was learning all over again. I never felt so disappointed in myself as I did at this point in my life. I just wanted the stroke to go away and let me live a normal life. I kept telling my neuro that I was getting written up. I told her I couldn't concentrate and she said that was normal. She filled out a form for work for my disability. She told them that i could only work up to 10 hours a day and only 40 hours a week. I was only supposed to work on 2 projects at a time.Hopefully that would help save my job.
EDIT: scratch that...I just added a page of photos! Check em out! They are from our road trip! I realized after looking at the pictures that i cut my hair first. When we got back is when Brianna cut her hair. My bad...my time line is off. lolol
My arm wasnt working right so I decided one day that Brianna and I were both getting hair cuts. Everyone thought I was crazy. We chopped our hair and donated it. Brianna felt really good about giving her hair to someone who needed it. Our hair was damn hard to brush. lol This was a new life for me and Brianna. This haircut was just the beginning.
After all of this I said, screw you stroke, I am leaving lol. The video of Jill Bolte Taylor explains perfectly how you really live in the right now when you have a left sided stroke. I didnt care about anything but right now. I took off and went on a road trip with my baby girl and my girlfriend. It was probably the best thing I ever did. I needed it so bad. I needed to feel normal again. We drove down to North Carolina and stayed with my girlfriends sister for a couple days. We went down to Florida and stayed with my family for a couple days. We drove back up to North Carolina again for a couple days and then back home. My ex wasnt happy with me because i took my daughter away from him a couple days before Fathers day. Maybe I shouldnt have done it, but I needed to get away with my baby and have a good time. We both needed it. She knew everything that happened. She went through it with me. We needed that time together. We turned up the music and sang and danced in the car the whole trip. We had no worries, we made memories. That is what I needed with her. I did NOT want to come back to reality. I didnt want to come back to arguing and all of my other everyday worries.
But, back to reality I went. When we got home I was able to spend the rest of the summer with Brianna. We went to the pool everyday, we went to the park, she played with her friends. We had the break we needed.
At the end of summer, Brianna went back to school and I went back to work. I was refreshed. I thought "ok everything is back to normal now and I can do this."
I was wrong.
Everything was different. I couldnt remember important things for work. I had to write EVERYTHING down. Nothing would stay in my brain no matter how hard I tried. Its like the saying "in one ear and right out the other", that was me. I was so frustrated with myself. I used to be such a good employee. I worked really hard. I worked crazy hours. I used to get my work done and help other people with theirs. Now I could barely get half of my own work done. What the hell happened? I thought I was fine. I guess because I didn't really have to use my brain all summer I didn't notice the extent of my stroke.
I started getting written up at work. I would apologize profusely. I had no idea why i couldn't get it done. I thought that I was fine and I was disappointed in myself. I told them I would work harder. I told them i was having a hard time because of the stroke. I was learning all over again. I never felt so disappointed in myself as I did at this point in my life. I just wanted the stroke to go away and let me live a normal life. I kept telling my neuro that I was getting written up. I told her I couldn't concentrate and she said that was normal. She filled out a form for work for my disability. She told them that i could only work up to 10 hours a day and only 40 hours a week. I was only supposed to work on 2 projects at a time.Hopefully that would help save my job.
EDIT: scratch that...I just added a page of photos! Check em out! They are from our road trip! I realized after looking at the pictures that i cut my hair first. When we got back is when Brianna cut her hair. My bad...my time line is off. lolol
Jill Bolte Taylor's stroke of insight | Video on TED.com
She explains how you feel with a left sided stroke so well. I could never put it into words the way she has. She obviously had a much worse stroke than me and I am so happy that she is here to tell her story. I am going to buy her book because she gives me hope. I did not feel euphoria, nirvana or the energy that she talks about. In fact, when I get the out of body feeling, I have a panic attack. It is the oddest feeling in the world. It feels like your body is so big. Or maybe you are too big for your body. I can't even explain the feeling. I will get into that later in my blog.
Jill Bolte Taylor's stroke of insight | Video on TED.com
Jill Bolte Taylor's stroke of insight | Video on TED.com
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
But you look so good, you can't even tell you are sick...
I get that A LOT. I am thankful for the fact that I look fine but my insides are a huge mess. I have fought this being sick stuff and I will continue to do so. I am still partially blind, my right side feels like a ton of bricks and my brain doesn't work so well. My short term memory is shot. If I have something big on my mind everything else gets pushed out of my brain and I forget to do whatever else I had to do or conversations I had. So weird. I used to be able to do a million things at once (huge exaggeration but you get what I mean :) but I will get to all of that later in this post. So back to when I was in the hospital.
So I think it was the day after I found out I had a stroke, I had tons of people in and out of my room. Drs, nurses, family, friends and of course my beautiful daughter. I forget who was in the room but I started feeling really funny. I started freaking out and I told everyone I felt funny and to get a nurse asap. At this point I only had my vision problem and I thought I was going to deal with that and I would be fine. My right side was acting funny and I felt it in my brain. They rushed me in for another MRI. They told me that the stroke had "continued" itself. Whatever that means. I was thinking, "If you guys knew I had a stroke why didnt you give me anything to stop this continuation?" I felt like the hospital and Drs failed me. From what I remember, they didnt give me any type of blood thinners until after this. I could totally be wrong though. I was so emotional and i just wanted to get out of the hospital. They told me they were going to transfer me by ambulance to another hospital for rehab. (Great another huge bill that isnt covered by my insurance)
I got to the other hospital and I rocked physical therapy (yay me!). They ran a couple cognitive tests and told me I was fine.They didnt even know why I was sent to them. I was released. I didn't realize the extent of my cognitive problems until it was too late because I was told I was fine. I thought "Awesome, I made it and I am fine and I am going home."
I got home and it was back to normal life for everyone but me. I tried really hard to be "normal" again. The day i got home I found out that they removed a bush from outside my daughters bedroom and termites entered my babies room. They were EVERYWHERE. I had to clean it up. yuk, not the first thing I want to do when I get home lol. My ex went back to work, my daughter went back to school and dance and I tried to resume my life the way it was. Well that didn't work out so well.
My ex and I didnt have the greatest relationship. It was actually terrible. He had a horrible temper, horrible. We used to argue over everything. It was no good for my baby to be around either. I knew it but I just didnt have the guts to leave. He always used to tell me that we should stay together for her and i always replied back that we should split for her. She didnt need to see us argue allll the time. I am not saying he was a bad person because he does have a good heart and he loves his daughter so much. We just clashed and the relationship was terrible. I still resent the phone call the day i had the stroke. If I would have listened to him I could be paralyzed or maybe even dead. Thank god I didnt listen. Even though he was a douche when I called him the day i had the stroke, he was definitely in the hospital by my side the entire time I was there. When it came down to it, if I really needed him he was there. I am sorry to say that just wasnt good enough though. The bad definately outweighed the good.
After the stroke I would get these weird sensations. I would smell and taste funny things and my body and brain would feel like I was getting zapped. The Dr made me do an at home EEG (and my god, I looked beautiful! lol) They saw that i was having sensory seizures. My Dr wanted to put me on an anti seizure medication. They already put me on aspirin and a cholesterol med. I didn't want to be on another med that I would have to take for the rest of my life. What the hell else can happen??? Why me? Seizures now? Really? I couldn't handle it all.
So I think it was the day after I found out I had a stroke, I had tons of people in and out of my room. Drs, nurses, family, friends and of course my beautiful daughter. I forget who was in the room but I started feeling really funny. I started freaking out and I told everyone I felt funny and to get a nurse asap. At this point I only had my vision problem and I thought I was going to deal with that and I would be fine. My right side was acting funny and I felt it in my brain. They rushed me in for another MRI. They told me that the stroke had "continued" itself. Whatever that means. I was thinking, "If you guys knew I had a stroke why didnt you give me anything to stop this continuation?" I felt like the hospital and Drs failed me. From what I remember, they didnt give me any type of blood thinners until after this. I could totally be wrong though. I was so emotional and i just wanted to get out of the hospital. They told me they were going to transfer me by ambulance to another hospital for rehab. (Great another huge bill that isnt covered by my insurance)
I got to the other hospital and I rocked physical therapy (yay me!). They ran a couple cognitive tests and told me I was fine.They didnt even know why I was sent to them. I was released. I didn't realize the extent of my cognitive problems until it was too late because I was told I was fine. I thought "Awesome, I made it and I am fine and I am going home."
I got home and it was back to normal life for everyone but me. I tried really hard to be "normal" again. The day i got home I found out that they removed a bush from outside my daughters bedroom and termites entered my babies room. They were EVERYWHERE. I had to clean it up. yuk, not the first thing I want to do when I get home lol. My ex went back to work, my daughter went back to school and dance and I tried to resume my life the way it was. Well that didn't work out so well.
My ex and I didnt have the greatest relationship. It was actually terrible. He had a horrible temper, horrible. We used to argue over everything. It was no good for my baby to be around either. I knew it but I just didnt have the guts to leave. He always used to tell me that we should stay together for her and i always replied back that we should split for her. She didnt need to see us argue allll the time. I am not saying he was a bad person because he does have a good heart and he loves his daughter so much. We just clashed and the relationship was terrible. I still resent the phone call the day i had the stroke. If I would have listened to him I could be paralyzed or maybe even dead. Thank god I didnt listen. Even though he was a douche when I called him the day i had the stroke, he was definitely in the hospital by my side the entire time I was there. When it came down to it, if I really needed him he was there. I am sorry to say that just wasnt good enough though. The bad definately outweighed the good.
After the stroke I would get these weird sensations. I would smell and taste funny things and my body and brain would feel like I was getting zapped. The Dr made me do an at home EEG (and my god, I looked beautiful! lol) They saw that i was having sensory seizures. My Dr wanted to put me on an anti seizure medication. They already put me on aspirin and a cholesterol med. I didn't want to be on another med that I would have to take for the rest of my life. What the hell else can happen??? Why me? Seizures now? Really? I couldn't handle it all.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Thank you for visiting my page! I am starting off with my history so you have an understanding of who I am.
I am new to this so please be patient with me!
I would first like to thank you for viewing my blog. I am writing this, not for sympathy, but to bring awareness to the daily struggles that come along with being disabled. I also want to spread the word that IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU. I was 30 years old when i got sick. I never ever thought that it could happen to me. I am also hoping that this blog will help motivate me to be a better me, for my daughter. I apologize in advance if my words don't come out right or if I am all over the place. I know my grammar is terrible and my mind wanders. I have a hard time putting my thoughts into coherent sentences lately. I know what I want to say but most of the time I can't word it correctly.When i got sick I was told over and over that I should share my story in hopes that it will help other people. I have been very hesitant to share this. I am going to try the best i can.
The picture that I have on my blog is a few weeks after the worst day of my life. This picture is a reminder of how much my daughter means to me and how lucky I am to be where I am today.
On April 15, 2008 I was driving my daughter Brianna to her dance class. It was a normal, crazy day. I was working full time as a Quality Assurance Analyst for a huge conferencing company. I worked really hard to get where I was in the company and I was an outstanding employee (if i do say so myself) lol.
So back to April 15th.
As I was driving I saw a blind spot in my vision. i used to get bad migraines that gave me an aura in the same spot. I got really worried. The first thing I did was pick up my phone and call my ex. I was scared out of my mind and let him know. He told me I was making a big deal out of nothing and I shouldn't worry. He was going on a motorcycle riide and if anything changes I should call him back.
When i got to dance class there was a mother there who was a nurse. I decided it wouldn't hurt to ask her what was going on. She told me to go to the hospital immediately.
I have to back track for a minute here. My mother has Multiple Sclerosis. She has been in a nursing home since I was in 6th grade. So when the mom/nurse told me to get to the hospital I was thinking "Oh my God, what if I have M.S.?" I started having a panic attack. (I am actually having one now thinking about this.)
I called my girlfriend and asked her to come take me to the hospital and to go back to dance class to get Brianna when it was over.
I got to the hospital and told them what had happened. They rushed me into the ER and did a ton of tests. This is where things start getting blurry. I am not sure if the gave me any type of meds, not sure what tests they ran and not even sure how many days I was in the hospital until they gave me my diagnosis.
I do remember that i missed my little girl so much that it hurt. I kept thinking that she CAN NOT live without her mother the way I did. I was an emotional wreck. I was going through cigarette withdrawal and birth control withdrawal and trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.
My baby girl was coming to see me with her dad. She came in the room and all I did was hug her and cry. As I was hugging her the Dr walked in. I think she told me right in front of my baby that I had had a stroke. I thought my entire life was over. I have never cried so hard in my life. "What would my baby do without me? What was going to happen to me?"
I would first like to thank you for viewing my blog. I am writing this, not for sympathy, but to bring awareness to the daily struggles that come along with being disabled. I also want to spread the word that IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU. I was 30 years old when i got sick. I never ever thought that it could happen to me. I am also hoping that this blog will help motivate me to be a better me, for my daughter. I apologize in advance if my words don't come out right or if I am all over the place. I know my grammar is terrible and my mind wanders. I have a hard time putting my thoughts into coherent sentences lately. I know what I want to say but most of the time I can't word it correctly.When i got sick I was told over and over that I should share my story in hopes that it will help other people. I have been very hesitant to share this. I am going to try the best i can.
The picture that I have on my blog is a few weeks after the worst day of my life. This picture is a reminder of how much my daughter means to me and how lucky I am to be where I am today.
On April 15, 2008 I was driving my daughter Brianna to her dance class. It was a normal, crazy day. I was working full time as a Quality Assurance Analyst for a huge conferencing company. I worked really hard to get where I was in the company and I was an outstanding employee (if i do say so myself) lol.
So back to April 15th.
As I was driving I saw a blind spot in my vision. i used to get bad migraines that gave me an aura in the same spot. I got really worried. The first thing I did was pick up my phone and call my ex. I was scared out of my mind and let him know. He told me I was making a big deal out of nothing and I shouldn't worry. He was going on a motorcycle riide and if anything changes I should call him back.
When i got to dance class there was a mother there who was a nurse. I decided it wouldn't hurt to ask her what was going on. She told me to go to the hospital immediately.
I have to back track for a minute here. My mother has Multiple Sclerosis. She has been in a nursing home since I was in 6th grade. So when the mom/nurse told me to get to the hospital I was thinking "Oh my God, what if I have M.S.?" I started having a panic attack. (I am actually having one now thinking about this.)
I called my girlfriend and asked her to come take me to the hospital and to go back to dance class to get Brianna when it was over.
I got to the hospital and told them what had happened. They rushed me into the ER and did a ton of tests. This is where things start getting blurry. I am not sure if the gave me any type of meds, not sure what tests they ran and not even sure how many days I was in the hospital until they gave me my diagnosis.
I do remember that i missed my little girl so much that it hurt. I kept thinking that she CAN NOT live without her mother the way I did. I was an emotional wreck. I was going through cigarette withdrawal and birth control withdrawal and trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.
My baby girl was coming to see me with her dad. She came in the room and all I did was hug her and cry. As I was hugging her the Dr walked in. I think she told me right in front of my baby that I had had a stroke. I thought my entire life was over. I have never cried so hard in my life. "What would my baby do without me? What was going to happen to me?"
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